“Honey, how does this work with the Internet?”
“What exactly would you like to do, sweetheart?”

“I found perfect flip flops here, and now?”
“On the Internet?? On which page?”

“Shop Web something www. Looks nice.”
“Ahhh ok. Good. And what´s your question now??”

“Can I order the shoes there somewhere now?”
“Yes, honey. Place them in the shopping cart and continue to the…”

“Your technical mumble-jumble! I´ve never done this before!”
“Oh, ah… sorry, I didn’t know…”

“No, ok, just forget it. I´ll find out myself. So, lets see…”
“Click there on the bottom right…”

“Let me do it! It can´t be that hard.”
“Okay, honey, but if you have questions…”

[My sweetheart immerses herself, and I hear her clicking about 347 times.]

“Hey? Honey?” I have 6 pairs of shoes in my shopping cart now.”
“Nice… Can you order shoe closets there too??”

“No, I mean, I only want one pair! And now?”
“Just delete the shoes you don´t want.”

“But it doesn´t work here. Stupid internet, I knew it!”
“Okay, just take it easy… Enter a 1 instead of the 6 there.”

“Oh, okay, that works. Thanks, now I can do it by myself again.”
“Maybe I should…”

“No, but thank you, honey. Go…!”

[About 10 minute pass without a single click...]

“Hey? Honey?” What is SSL?”
“A coding technology that guarantees that your data is transferred safely.”

“But they don’t even have my data yet!”
“No, but you will have to enter it in just a minute.”

“But I only want to buy shoes, that’s all!”
“Yes, but they do have to be delivered somewhere, don´t they?”

“That´s pretty complicated, I think. So click on order.”
“I leave you alone then again, honey…”

“But you can´t leave now! Help me!”
“But you said you wanted me to…”

“Yes, but now tell me the address of your company.”
“MY COMPANY??”

“They want a delivery address, and I´m never here.”
“Ok, well, then, use this address here…”

“Great! There, and now I only need your credit card.”
“EXCUSE ME?? MY CREDIT CARD??”

“I don´t have one, and you can only order with credit card!”
“Okay, and now I have to pay for YOUR shoes, or what?”

“Come on, they only cost 4.99.”
“Do you mean you´ve been ordering shoes for 4.99 for an entire hour??”

“You can´t get exactly these anywhere else, and it´s only 12.89.”
“Honey, I´m way over 30, please, please, my blood pressure…”

“Well, shipping costs need to be added and…”
“Ok, here, use my credit card… I´ll buy myself a new one.”

“Can you do that??”
“NO! NO, of course not! You can´t buy money either, can you!”

“Oh, too bad. Why are you so mad?”
“Doesn´t matter. Do you have any more questions? HONEY??”

“No. It´s all good! I hope the shoes fit.”
“Why shouldn´t they??”

“They only had them available one size smaller…”

Women…

“I just have to finish these things, they´re very urgent.”
“Ok, sure. Go ahead sweetheart, I know that they´re important.”

“Do you have anything you need to do yet?”
“Ah, no? Not really, why?”

“Because I always feel bad.”
“Why? Because you have to work?”

“No, because you DON´T have to work.”
“So you would feel better if I had to work now??”

“Yes, because then we would be in a bad mood together.”
“But I don´t want to work now, and be in a bad mood´!”

“Well, that’s not how I meant it, either!”
“Ok, well… then ok. And now?”

“You were at the computer until late yesterday.”
“Yea, but I just surfed. And I didn´t work.”

“Well, I never know what you´re doing there…”
“Honey, what do you mean??”

“Well, I think you´re working, and all the time, you´re doing WHAT DO I KNOW.”
“What are you trying to tell me!?”

[I think she exclusively means smutty issues with "what do I know"...]

“I don´t know. I´m working and you´re just clicking around.”
“But you wanted me to do something just now!”

“I thought you don´t work at your computer??”
“SOMETIMES, no, I mean, USUALLY!”

“What?”
“Honey, I´m going crazy! Stop it!”

“What!?”
“Should I WORK a little now, so you don´t feel so alone in the office? Would that make you happy?”

“Yes… But don´t only do WHAT DO I KNOW again!”

Women…

“I hope we can find a parking space.”
“Sure, honey, we´ve always found one until now.”

“Yes, but I don´t always want to have to walk so far!”
“You don´t have to, and now just wait until we get there.”

“And what if it starts raining now?”
“We will be there in 30 seconds and not one drop of rain has fallen!”

“Shoot, there´s nothing free here.”
“There is one! Right in front of the door!”

“No, you can´t park there.”
“Why not?? It´s just what you wanted!”

“Because the doves always sprinkle on my car right there.”
“SPRINKLE??”

“Well, you´re not supposed to say shit! Those creatures are sitting in that tree there.”
“Really? Okay. I always park there too, but ok.”

“Where are you going now!?”
“There´s one on the other side too.”

“Stop, that won´t work either!”
“Oh, are there doves too??”

“No, but the neighbour parks there with her funny VW bus.”
“And?”

“She can´t park very well. She will damage my car!”
“Ok, but… Whatever, I´ll drive around again, ok?”

“Now you put my car in the no parking zone!”
“No, you can park here until tomorrow morning 9.00 a.m., see?”

“Oh. But then move it 2 metres back.”
“Why??”

“To get away from that tree there.”
“Let me guess: the doves?”

“You say that as if I were stupid! And then they shit on my car!”
“Okay, okay! I´ll park in the middle, it´s your car…”

“I usually don´t do that either… I hate it when somebody parks like that.”
“Yes, just like I´m doing right now. I hope nobody sees me getting out…”

“You want to get out now??”
“Yes, don´t you??”

“You forgot something.”
“Why? Telephone?  Glasses? - What??”

“You didn´t pull the handbrake!”
“But I put the gear in! And the road is perfectly even.”

“I learned that you are always supposed to pull the handbrake!”
“Ok, ok, honey, here you go. There. All good now?”

“Ah shoot, now I forgot something.”
“Oh no, that doesn´t sound good! “WHAT?”

“I didn´t send the mail. We need to go again!”

Women…

“This new bed is awful.”
“Honey! Just a few hours ago you said it was the most beautiful of all!”

“Yes, it looks great and it´s very comfortable.”
“So what is so awful about it??”

“I am lying on the crack.”
“On which crack??”

“Well, here, between the two mattresses is a crack, and that´s where I´m lying now.”
“Oh, that´s what you mean. And?”

“I don´t like lying on the crack, I´ll fall in!”
“Honey, you´re very thin, but…”

“Look, here, with my elbow, I´m already stuck in it!”
“You can´t be serious now!”

“Yes, I am. If the mattresses move, I´ll be inside!”
“They won´t move! Why don´t you just lie on your side of the bed!”

“But if I lie on my side, I´m so far away from you.”
“Yes, but that´s why we bought THIS large bed!”

“Yes, but I didn´t think that I would have to lie on the crack.”
“Yes, but…Okay. Honey,please watch that you don´t fall into the crack.”

“Very funny! Don´t make fun of me!”
“I don´t want the same happening to you as it did to your potato chip…”

“What?”
“It slipped into the crack in the couch, and is all alone now.”

“You´re not taking me seriously again!”
“If you fall into the bed crack, I´ll take the long vacuum cleaner nozzle, and suck you back out! Haha!”

“You don´t really love me! I´m going to move onto my side…”

[My girlfriend pouts and rolls onto her side of the bed, turns her back towards me and doesn´t say a word. She usually stays this way for 30 seconds when we are having a discussion about something.]

“I can’t go to sleep this way!”
“Really! And now?”

“You have to come over to my side.”
“You mean like we go to sleep every night?”

“Yes.”
“You mean, just as we have done hundreds of nights before?”

“Ye-es.”
“So the crack here is not so bad after all?”

“You have three seconds left!”
“And what happens then??”

“Then I´ll come over to your side and stay there!”
“Oh no, honey, please don´t do that to me!”

“Yes, I will. Two seconds left.”
“You get hotter than a furnace at night, I can´t stand it!”

“This is what we´ll do every night from now on. One second left!”
“Wait, ok, I´m coming!”

“It´s actually quite convenient, this crack. But don´t fall in!”

Women…