Charming Sweetheart Blog

My girlfriend has a very unusual hobby: Shoes.
If only they wouldn’t be so difficult to buy… Look for stores, full and hot, bad personnel, etc.
Now she discovered online shopping on the Internet.

“Honey, how does this work with the Internet?”
“What exactly would you like to do, sweetheart?”

“I found perfect flip flops here, and now?”
“On the Internet?? On which page?”

“Shop Web something www. Looks nice.”
“Ahhh ok. Good. And what´s your question now??”

“Can I order the shoes there somewhere now?”
“Yes, honey. Place them in the shopping cart and continue to the…”

“Your technical mumble-jumble! I´ve never done this before!”
“Oh, ah… sorry, I didn’t know…”

“No, ok, just forget it. I´ll find out myself. So, lets see…”
“Click there on the bottom right…”

“Let me do it! It can´t be that hard.”
“Okay, honey, but if you have questions…”

[My sweetheart immerses herself, and I hear her clicking about 347 times.]

“Hey? Honey?” I have 6 pairs of shoes in my shopping cart now.”
“Nice… Can you order shoe closets there too??”

“No, I mean, I only want one pair! And now?”
“Just delete the shoes you don´t want.”

“But it doesn´t work here. Stupid internet, I knew it!”
“Okay, just take it easy… Enter a 1 instead of the 6 there.”

“Oh, okay, that works. Thanks, now I can do it by myself again.”
“Maybe I should…”

“No, but thank you, honey. Go…!”

[About 10 minute pass without a single click...]

“Hey? Honey?” What is SSL?”
“A coding technology that guarantees that your data is transferred safely.”

“But they don’t even have my data yet!”
“No, but you will have to enter it in just a minute.”

“But I only want to buy shoes, that’s all!”
“Yes, but they do have to be delivered somewhere, don´t they?”

“That´s pretty complicated, I think. So click on order.”
“I leave you alone then again, honey…”

“But you can´t leave now! Help me!”
“But you said you wanted me to…”

“Yes, but now tell me the address of your company.”
“MY COMPANY??”

“They want a delivery address, and I´m never here.”
“Ok, well, then, use this address here…”

“Great! There, and now I only need your credit card.”
“EXCUSE ME?? MY CREDIT CARD??”

“I don´t have one, and you can only order with credit card!”
“Okay, and now I have to pay for YOUR shoes, or what?”

“Come on, they only cost 4.99.”
“Do you mean you´ve been ordering shoes for 4.99 for an entire hour??”

“You can´t get exactly these anywhere else, and it´s only 12.89.”
“Honey, I´m way over 30, please, please, my blood pressure…”

“Well, shipping costs need to be added and…”
“Ok, here, use my credit card… I´ll buy myself a new one.”

“Can you do that??”
“NO! NO, of course not! You can´t buy money either, can you!”

“Oh, too bad. Why are you so mad?”
“Doesn´t matter. Do you have any more questions? HONEY??”

“No. It´s all good! I hope the shoes fit.”
“Why shouldn´t they??”

“They only had them available one size smaller…”

Women…

My girlfriend has a great job, but she needs to work hard for it too. I am proud of her, but sometimes it gets on my nerves if she works very late.
She sits at her computer and types, and types, and types… We have two computer work desks at home.

“I just have to finish these things, they´re very urgent.”
“Ok, sure. Go ahead sweetheart, I know that they´re important.”

“Do you have anything you need to do yet?”
“Ah, no? Not really, why?”

“Because I always feel bad.”
“Why? Because you have to work?”

“No, because you DON´T have to work.”
“So you would feel better if I had to work now??”

“Yes, because then we would be in a bad mood together.”
“But I don´t want to work now, and be in a bad mood´!”

“Well, that’s not how I meant it, either!”
“Ok, well… then ok. And now?”

“You were at the computer until late yesterday.”
“Yea, but I just surfed. And I didn´t work.”

“Well, I never know what you´re doing there…”
“Honey, what do you mean??”

“Well, I think you´re working, and all the time, you´re doing WHAT DO I KNOW.”
“What are you trying to tell me!?”

[I think she exclusively means smutty issues with "what do I know"...]

“I don´t know. I´m working and you´re just clicking around.”
“But you wanted me to do something just now!”

“I thought you don´t work at your computer??”
“SOMETIMES, no, I mean, USUALLY!”

“What?”
“Honey, I´m going crazy! Stop it!”

“What!?”
“Should I WORK a little now, so you don´t feel so alone in the office? Would that make you happy?”

“Yes… But don´t only do WHAT DO I KNOW again!”

Women…

My girlfriend is an expert in street traffic and driving a car in general. She travels a lot and therefore knows all the tricks in the daily battle on the streets.
On weekends, I usually have to drive, because she doesn’t feel like it then. After a few errands, we are on our way back home.

“I hope we can find a parking space.”
“Sure, honey, we´ve always found one until now.”

“Yes, but I don´t always want to have to walk so far!”
“You don´t have to, and now just wait until we get there.”

“And what if it starts raining now?”
“We will be there in 30 seconds and not one drop of rain has fallen!”

“Shoot, there´s nothing free here.”
“There is one! Right in front of the door!”

“No, you can´t park there.”
“Why not?? It´s just what you wanted!”

“Because the doves always sprinkle on my car right there.”
“SPRINKLE??”

“Well, you´re not supposed to say shit! Those creatures are sitting in that tree there.”
“Really? Okay. I always park there too, but ok.”

“Where are you going now!?”
“There´s one on the other side too.”

“Stop, that won´t work either!”
“Oh, are there doves too??”

“No, but the neighbour parks there with her funny VW bus.”
“And?”

“She can´t park very well. She will damage my car!”
“Ok, but… Whatever, I´ll drive around again, ok?”

“Now you put my car in the no parking zone!”
“No, you can park here until tomorrow morning 9.00 a.m., see?”

“Oh. But then move it 2 metres back.”
“Why??”

“To get away from that tree there.”
“Let me guess: the doves?”

“You say that as if I were stupid! And then they shit on my car!”
“Okay, okay! I´ll park in the middle, it´s your car…”

“I usually don´t do that either… I hate it when somebody parks like that.”
“Yes, just like I´m doing right now. I hope nobody sees me getting out…”

“You want to get out now??”
“Yes, don´t you??”

“You forgot something.”
“Why? Telephone?  Glasses? - What??”

“You didn´t pull the handbrake!”
“But I put the gear in! And the road is perfectly even.”

“I learned that you are always supposed to pull the handbrake!”
“Ok, ok, honey, here you go. There. All good now?”

“Ah shoot, now I forgot something.”
“Oh no, that doesn´t sound good! “WHAT?”

“I didn´t send the mail. We need to go again!”

Women…

It is way overdue; and now my girlfriend and I have bought a new bed. All important criteria were considered: it is elegant and large, has the right colour, the mattresses are great, new sheets, and so on.
At night, we are lying in it.

“This new bed is awful.”
“Honey! Just a few hours ago you said it was the most beautiful of all!”

“Yes, it looks great and it´s very comfortable.”
“So what is so awful about it??”

“I am lying on the crack.”
“On which crack??”

“Well, here, between the two mattresses is a crack, and that´s where I´m lying now.”
“Oh, that´s what you mean. And?”

“I don´t like lying on the crack, I´ll fall in!”
“Honey, you´re very thin, but…”

“Look, here, with my elbow, I´m already stuck in it!”
“You can´t be serious now!”

“Yes, I am. If the mattresses move, I´ll be inside!”
“They won´t move! Why don´t you just lie on your side of the bed!”

“But if I lie on my side, I´m so far away from you.”
“Yes, but that´s why we bought THIS large bed!”

“Yes, but I didn´t think that I would have to lie on the crack.”
“Yes, but…Okay. Honey,please watch that you don´t fall into the crack.”

“Very funny! Don´t make fun of me!”
“I don´t want the same happening to you as it did to your potato chip…”

“What?”
“It slipped into the crack in the couch, and is all alone now.”

“You´re not taking me seriously again!”
“If you fall into the bed crack, I´ll take the long vacuum cleaner nozzle, and suck you back out! Haha!”

“You don´t really love me! I´m going to move onto my side…”

[My girlfriend pouts and rolls onto her side of the bed, turns her back towards me and doesn´t say a word. She usually stays this way for 30 seconds when we are having a discussion about something.]

“I can’t go to sleep this way!”
“Really! And now?”

“You have to come over to my side.”
“You mean like we go to sleep every night?”

“Yes.”
“You mean, just as we have done hundreds of nights before?”

“Ye-es.”
“So the crack here is not so bad after all?”

“You have three seconds left!”
“And what happens then??”

“Then I´ll come over to your side and stay there!”
“Oh no, honey, please don´t do that to me!”

“Yes, I will. Two seconds left.”
“You get hotter than a furnace at night, I can´t stand it!”

“This is what we´ll do every night from now on. One second left!”
“Wait, ok, I´m coming!”

“It´s actually quite convenient, this crack. But don´t fall in!”

Women…

My girlfriend pays much attention to her appearance. Like all women, she wants to be loved, acknowledged, and praised, and also wants to hear it. Man´s battle for goodwill is often hard, and contains secrets that have still not been discovered in spite of long-standing experience.

“Honey, I´m going to go get groceries now.”
“Ok, darling. Don´t forget to buy milk.”

“Can I go like this?”
“What?”

“I wanted to know if I can go like this. With this white top.”
“Yes, honey, you can. It looks good on you.”

“Well, I never wear white, actually.”
“Oh… Yes, the white one looks good on you too.”

“I had to wear the white one.”
“Why? Ok, let me guess: You don´t have anything else to wear.”

“Yes, I do. I have black and brown clothes. You do like them, don´t you?”
“Yes, honey. Brown is your colour.”

“So you don´t like white so much?”
“Yes, I do, sure. So why did you have to wear THIS top today?”

“Because I´m wearing white underwear today.”
“Ah, why didn´t I think of that myself…”

“You can´t wear black tops then.”
“Ok, fine with me…”

“You don´t notice anything else about me?”

[I freeze when confronted with this terrifying women question, adrenaline rushes into my blood, and my eyes search my girlfriend in an all-telling manner...]

“So, you don´t notice anything?”
“Ah, except the white top… No?”

“Hm…” You don´t notice anything!”

[I know it´s getting critical now! What in devil´s name is different??
If I don´t say something soon, she will erase me like in the  "battleships" game with only a few shots...]

“Nothing??”
“Ah, honey, actually you look just as beautiful as every day…”

“Charmer! That´s not going to work! Your last chance!”

[My life passes before my inner eye in seconds. Until now, everything was good with her, and now this!  The question of all questions, and I messed up. I am finished. The death blow is coming. And it is even justified. I did not notice anything new or different on her!
I am a superficial and blind fool who does not even deserve this woman...]

“Ok, honey, I give up, WHAT is different??”

“Nothing. I just wanted to see whether you still look at me like you used to!”

Women…

My girlfriend has beautiful long dark hair that is streaked with different blonde strands.
Of course - or unfortunately - this requires intensive care.
We are sitting and drinking coffee in the morning and are talking.

“I have a nice tan, don´t I?”
“Honey, very nice tan. But you need to go to the hairdressers soon.”

“Excuse me?” Because of the grown strands?”
“Er…”

“Yes, I guess I do have to go…”
“Well, sometime soon. It´s not urgent yet.”

“But I always wear my hair open on purpose!”
“That´s ok too. But you still see it.”

“Do I look bad?”
“No, but you´re always so careful about your strands.”

“Yes, that´s true. But what should I do now?”
“Go to the hairdresser, honey??”

“Now??”
“Well, no, not right now! Why don´t you make an appointment in the shop next door?!”

“Hm…”
“I through you´ve been there before?”

“Yes, but they made the strands so wide last time.”
“Ok. Isn´t it enough to only dye the part that has grown out?”

“Yes, but they´ll make it so wide again.”
“And a different hairdresser would do it differently?”

“No. Otherwise you would see it.”
“Ok, but then you could just go where you went last time!”

“They never have time.”
“There´s an article in the newspaper with a hairdresser test. Maybe you can find something there?”

“But I can´t go to just any hairdresser with my hair!”
“Well, you´re not supposed to, either, but…”

“I could go on Saturday… Ah, no.”
“What do you mean ah, no?”

“Then I would have to leave you by yourself for two hours on Saturday morning.”
“Oh no! Honey, I´ll survive, really…”

“Where should I go?”
“Why don´t you go to my hairdresser!”

“Thank you, but I like my hair.”
“What is THAT supposed to mean??”

“You always say you don´t even have to wait there.”
“That´s true, and??”

“Then it can´t really be that good there!”
“Oh Lord, give me strength. So what now??”

“Can´t you dye my hair on Saturday?
“What?” Me?

“It´s not so hard at all!”

Women…

Recreational time at the coast, 34 degrees, a slight breeze is tickling our noses.
Simply lying by the waterside, relaxing, reading, dreaming.
A wonderful time really!

“Hey, the sun umbrella is not really sturdy?”
“It will hold, darling. And it doesn´t go any deeper into the sand.”

“Great, and if it does tip over, it will fall right onto me!”
“It won´t tip over. And you can also lay down on the other side.”

“But then I´ll be in the shade!”
“No, I mean here to the right…”

“But then I´m so far away from you! No!”
“And what do you want me to do now??”

“You have to hold the umbrella.”
“Honey! I can´t hold on to the umbrella the entire time!”

“But if it might tip over anytime I can´t sleep!”
“It won´t tip over! Before that happens, you´ll be blown away.”

“Do you want me to be blown away??”
“No, honey. Of course I don´t.”

“Don´t you want to be at the beach with me?”
“But…”

“…Because I gained so much weight??”
“You didn´t gain weight, you´re thin and very tan.”

“I´m not tan, look here!”
“Honey, a fried chicken would already have trouble having your colour!”

“That´s not true! Do you still love me?”
“Yes, honey. I love you.”

“Then give me a kiss!”
“Yes, honey.”

[I stand up, go around the umbrella to my beloved and want to give her a kiss because I love her so, and she is so heart-melting...]

“Oh man! You put so much sand on my towel with your feet!”
“Honey, I just wanted to kiss you…”

“Now everything is all full of sand, and me too, and now I have to go back into the water!”
“I´m sorry, but I mean, we´re at the beach, and…”

“And I also have to turn off my mobile again!”
“Your mobile??”

“I always turn off my mobile when I go into the water.”
“Ok… But what do you need a mobile here for anyway??”

“Well, if I need to call for help.”
“Call for help??”

“If the umbrella tips over and injures me, for example.”
“Oh, but wouldn´t it be easier just to ask me??”

“You??”
“Yes, me, and anyway, the umbrella does not tip over!”

“But you won´t help me then!”
“EXCUSE ME??”

“I have to go into the water because of you now! I´m going now.”
“Wait, I´ll go with you.”

[We go to the water and stand in it with our feet....]

“But don´t make me wet! I may go into shock then!”
“I´m not doing anything!”

“But you´re looking at me like that again.”
“ME?? I´m just standing here!”

“You wanted to make me wet!”

[My sweetheart quickly bends over and thrusts a huge fountain of cold water onto me, I almost have a heart attack...]

“Haha! Now you´re wet!”
“Thank you, sweetheart, very refreshing… I thought you just said…”

“Oh come on, don´t be a baby, lets go swimming.”

[We go swimming and stand up on a small sandbank...]

“Now it is rather cold, with this wind…”
“Honey, it´s over 30 degrees, you can´t be cold now!”

“Yes, I can, look here, I have goose bumps.”
“Okay, well, then… we better swim back, ok?”

“But don´t push me underwater!”
“Honey, I never did, I didn´t want to…”

“Then I´ll get water in my nose and my hair will get wet!”
“I won´t push you underwater, don´t worry…”

“You have to be nice to me!”
“I´m really being nice to you, honey. Like always.”

“I bet the umbrella was blown away in the meantime.”
“Honey, you´re making me crazy with that silly umbrella!”

“But I can´t see it anymore, look!”
“But we´re a lot farther to the right, there, next to the landing stage!”

“Oh. Good, that I wasn´t lying there.”
“BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!”

“I´m cold. And I have to shake out my towel. And you didn´t give me a kiss either!”

Women…

It is very hot outside and inside; just the right time for a cold ice cream cone after work.
But it has already gotten late.

“Hey, we wanted to go get an ice cream cone.”
“Yes, sweetheart, but that was two hours ago…”

“Does that mean we´re not going to go get one anymore?”
“No, but the ice cream vendor is probably already closed now.”

“You wanted to go get ice cream from the vendor?”
“Yes, where else??”

“But his ice cream tastes funny.”
“Well, mine was always good until now.”

“Hm… Well, but he already is closed now anyway.”
“That´s what I said. But I still would have liked to have one.”

“We could have left earlier.”
“THAT is true, honey! But you couldn´t come earlier!”

“If you had said that we want to go get ice cream I would have taken a break from work.”
“But I said that I want an ice cream cone!”

“But not that we have to go to the vendors!”
“But doesn´t that go without saying?”

“No.”
“So the ice cream comes to us by itself, or what?”

“We could have gone to McDonalds for ice cream too.
The sauce is so tasty there.”
“Yes, honey, but we have an ice cream vendor right around the corner, while we have to drive to McDonalds?”

“Yes, but the ice cream vendor is already closed!”
“It wasn´t closed two hours ago!”

“Are we going to go to McDonalds for ice cream now?”
“Okay, why not. So, lets go.”

“Ah no, by the time we get back here from McDonalds I´m not hungry anymore anyway…”

Women…

This morning my sweetheart can stay in bed a half hour longer; she needs to leave the house later today.
So I get up very quietly and tiptoe out of the bedroom.

“Hey, where are you going??”
“I´m getting up, what else?? Go ahead and sleep, honey.”

“But you can´t get up without cuddling first!”
“I didn´t want to wake you.”

“You know that I always wake up when you get up!”
“Yes, but I thought maybe not today.”

“Come here!” [wildly flailing her arms]
“Okay.”

“It´s not good if you just get up. Then the day already starts bad.”
“But I just didn´t want to wake you?”

“I can sleep later.”
“Oh come on, when your head goes on in the morning, you´re all awake in no time.”

“Why are you getting up now anyway?”
“Ah, because I have to go to work, did you forget??”

“But you could also stay in bed a little longer sometimes.”
“Honey, YOU can do that today, but I can´t.”

“Why not? You´re the boss there?”
“I am not. And anyway I want to get up now.”

“Only 5 more minutes!”
“Oh honey, I…”

“Only 5 more minutes!! Just one cuddle!”
“Ok, but then you´ll let me get up.”

“Yes, then you can go.”
“Thank you, darling…”

[1 minute later...]

“I think I have to go to the bathroom…”
“What? Now??”

“I always have to go to the bathroom when I wake up.”
“But I thought you wanted to sleep longer? “

“Yes, but now I´m awake!”
“I came back into bed just because of you, and now you want to…”

“I need to get up now.”
“What?”

“You can stay in bed! I have to wash my hair anyway…”

My girlfriend and I love musicals.
Sometimes we go to see one, and because we find it to be relatively expensive, we always try to get the best seats.
Five minutes left… Let´s go!

“These seats in the forth row are good, aren´t they?”
“Yes, honey, we got great seats here.”

“Funny, the theatre is half empty. But the show is good, isn´t it?”
“The problem is surely not the show. Look there, there are also free seats there in front.”

“There in the first row?”
“Almost right in the middle. So we go and sit there now, ok?”

“We should go and sit on those seats?? But they´re not ours!”
“And??” Obviously there is nobody sitting there yet.”

“But we only have tickets for row four?”
“Sure, but…”

“But surely that is not allowed!”
“Yes, but who cares?? Come on, let´s go sit in the first row.”

“I like it here.”
“Okay, so then let´s stay here!”

[2 minutes later...]

“Why is that stupid cow sitting down right in front of me now!?”
“Ah…”

“I can´t see anything now!”
“We could move to the first row, there you wouldn´t have anybody in front of you?”

“But she could go and sit there, as there are still seats free there!”

Women…